Love Hina: Showdown
by Lord LeChuck the Wonder W
Summary: cAHPTER 4 is our now. Keitaro's had enough. Don't believe me? Fine. Be that way. Meanie. Please RNR.
1. Default Chapter

Love Hina: Showdown  
  
By Lord LeChuck the Wonder Writter  
  
A fanfiction  
  
Disclaimer: This belongs to someone else. Yeah.  
  
Note: This diverges, at some point in the anime. I haven't seen it in a while, so I'm not sure where. But you'll know it when you see it.  
  
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It was meant to be someone else's life.  
  
That was all he could think of, as he toiled underneath the merciless sun. The surface before him was a glorified grill, or perhaps a griddle. It was uneven, true, which would make it improper for cooking.  
  
But cooking was not the goal.  
  
The goal was torture.  
  
Sighing, he sloughed another layer of sweat from his forehead with the back of his wrist, and readied the scrubbing brush for another sweep of the hot spring. His blistered and aching hands whimpered muted protests, but that small part of his mind already knew that protesting, or stopping ... that would bring worse and truer pain upon him.  
  
"Are you done yet?" one of the Voices from within taunted him. "We want to take a bath, Keitaro-baka!"  
  
"Oi, oi!" he called back, "just a minute! I'm almost finished."  
  
Sighing, he put his back into it, and began to scrub in earnest once more.  
  
"This is someone else's life, not mine," he groaned. But then ... if it was someone else's life, someone else was missing out on a chance to scope out some pretty hot chicks.  
  
Grinning, he shook his head. "Ain't so bad," he reasoned.  
  
***  
  
"Hmm," Keitaro noised, looking between his work book, and the book of equations. "I dunno," he said slowly. "I'm not sure I understand this."  
  
"You simply solve for 'x', Kei-kun," Mutsumi assured him, smiling genially across the table.  
  
"How am I supposed to do that?" Keitaro complained. "I did it five pages ago, and then they changed it!"  
  
Naru growled wordlessly at him across the table.  
  
"Gomen," Keitaro said, ducking his head. "Just trying to be funny."  
  
Naru's follow-up growl was slightly forgiving.  
  
"Ah, I think I've got it," Mutsumi said, laying out the workbook in front of her. "Is this right?"  
  
"I think it is," Keitaro said after a moment, examining her equation. "Narusegawa?"  
  
Naru growled more deeply.  
  
"You could have a point," Keitaro conceded. "Let's run the equation backwards with Mutsumi's solution to check it." A few moments passed, with Mutsumi looking between Naru and Keitaro, while he scribbled on a piece of scratch paper. "There we go. Mmm.... Looks like you got it, Otohime-chan. Sorry, Narusegawa, this is the solution."  
  
"WAGE~!" Naru snapped, reaching across the table to slug Keitaro across the face. The manager screamed as he was thrown across the room, shattering a bookshelf and indenting a wall.  
  
Growling, Naru surged to her feet, and stalked from the room.  
  
"Ara, ara," Mutsumi noised. "What was that all about? Where is Naru-chan going?"  
  
"I think she's going to her room," Shinobu suggested.  
  
"Is that so?" Mutsumi asked. "Which room is this one?"  
  
After a moment, Shinobu admitted, "I'm not sure."  
  
"And where did you come from?"  
  
(AN: Whoops! Time for a scene change.)  
  
***  
  
Staggering from the ruined room he'd never seen before, Keitaro briefly mused, "Why can I never figure out exactly what's going on here?"  
  
"Urashima!" Motoko shrieked from the top of the stairs.  
  
"Stairs?" Keitaro asked, blinking at the steps before him. "Where did those--URK~!"  
  
Whatever else he was going to say was cut off by the sound of a sword being driven through his second and third ribs. Instead, he managed, "Motoko-chan, that hurts!"  
  
"Urashima?" Motoko asked.  
  
"Well, yes, but--"  
  
There was a creaking and a splintering noise, as the sword was twisted by the uncaring and mean kendoka, widening the wound and shattering the ribs on either side of the initial strike point. "URASHIMA!"  
  
"Motoko-chan, this is really unbecoming for a young lady."  
  
The sword was removed from his abdomen, and brutally shoved through his chest again and again. "Urashima! Urashima Urashima Urashima!"  
  
"Look," Keitaro burbled out through the blood that had now flooded the kitchen. "I've got to get back to studying, okay?"  
  
"Urashima," Motoko said petulantly, kicking Keitaro as she drew her sword and walked away, pouting.  
  
His life ebbing away from him, Keitaro sighed. "She sure is mean," he would have said.  
  
Instead, it came out as something like, "Man, I could use a cold beer right now."  
  
Upon hearing this, Naru approached, shouted, "WAGE~!" and then all became as darkness.  
  
***  
  
That was it. His entire life was a macrocosm of pain and hatred heaped on him by uncaring and unkind women.  
  
I WIN AGAIN, LEWS THERIN.  
  
He struggled, he fought, he worked himself to the bone to try and make them happy, and it was never enough. Never, ever, ever enough.  
  
I WIN AGAIN, LEWS THERIN.  
  
He could have plated the entire inn in gold, and hired manservants by the dozens to wait on them hand and foot, and it would still not be enough to satisfy those women and their desires. No, not women. Harridans.  
  
I WIN AGAIN, LEWS THERIN.  
  
In fact, he could die, and they'd probably throw a party.  
  
I WIN AGAIN... LEWS THERIN.  
  
  
  
He could see it in his minds-eye right then -- the party being put together.  
  
UM, LOOK, ARE YOU LEWS THERIN, OR NOT?  
  
Konno Mitsune, AKA Kitsune would already be plastered, and awaiting the arrival of more drinks. Suu would be selfishly thinking of bananas and another test-subject to try out her latest invention on.  
  
SOOOOOO.... THAT'D BE A 'NO', RIGHT?  
  
Naru and Motoko would be themselves, of course, sexy, perhaps, but only to people who were dumb, as no one could find the living portals to the planes of elemental man-hate attractive. Duh.  
  
UM, THIS IS KIND OF EMBARASSING.  
  
There they were, celebrating his recent passing, and ... NO! He couldn't let them win like that!  
  
YOU, AH, WON'T MIND IF I JUST SHOW MYSELF OUT, WILL YOU?  
  
He had to live. He had to avenge ... not just himself. Not just the men of the day. But every living being that was proud to bear both a Y chromosome and their own Mr. Happy in their pants!  
  
OF COURSE YOU WON'T.  
  
Even futanari-girls deserved to be avenged.  
  
SO, UM, SEE YOU AROUND.  
  
He had to stop the evil within Hintata-Sou before it could spread and destroy the world.  
  
OKAY, THIS IS EVEN MORE EMBARASSING, BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY WAY OUT.  
  
Except for Shinobu-chan, of course. She was cute, and perfect in every way.  
  
SO, HELP A BROTHER OUT, HUH?  
  
Except for sexually, because Keitaro was not into that pedophilia stuff.  
  
...RIGHT. THE WAY OUT?  
  
Now Haruka, on the other hand, was a merciful and loving aunt, and she only ever slammed him through floors or kicked him insensate in jest.  
  
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF--  
  
Right. So, Shinobu, good. Haruka, better. All the other girls?  
  
WILL YOU JUST SNAP OUT OF THE FREAKING COMA ALREADY?  
  
They needed to be taught a little bit of a ... lesson.  
  
IS IT FINALLY OVER?  
  
He just needed the willpower to pull through.  
  
RIGHT. FINE. WHATEVER. I AIN'T HOLDING YOU BACK. IT'S WAKEY-WAKEY TIME, SO MAKE WITH THE 'LEAVE ME OUT OF IT ALREADY'-NESS.  
  
***  
  
In Keitaro's room, at his bedside, Shinobu knelt, carefully tending to the wounds. As she worked, she sang a soothing song: "The ankle bone's connected to the ... um ... leg bone. The leg bone's connected to the -- ooh, neither femur broke today!"  
  
Breaking from the song to hum tunelessly, she finished her work, and when it was done, Keitaro lay on the bed, unmoving.  
  
"Keitaro-sempai?" she asked in a wavering voice.  
  
His eyes opened instantly. There were no transition frames, they simply switched from fully closed to fully open.  
  
"Auugh!" Shinobu exclaimed, leaping upward in alarm.  
  
"Shinobu-chan?" Keitaro asked, staring fixedly upward, and not moving a muscle.  
  
"Hai?" she asked tremulously, sinking back to her kneeling position at his side.  
  
"Something's different about this time, isn't it?"  
  
"Um...."  
  
"I can handle it," he said stoically.  
  
"Um, Keitaro, the internal bleeding's taken care of, and everything was put on ice, so we could but it back on, but...."  
  
"But?" he asked, his eyes finally moving to fix on Shinobu's directly. His gaze softened, and he spoke again. "What is it, Shinobu-chan?"  
  
"Your appendix was aggravated, and it had to be removed," she said quietly, looking away from him tearfully. "Gomen, Keitaro-sempai."  
  
"I see," he said quietly, his eyes drifting shut, tears forming under the lids.  
  
"Everything's going to be okay, right?" Shinobu asked anxiously. "Right?"  
  
"Absolutely everything," Keitaro agreed.  
  
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AN: Just wait til' chapter two! 


	2. chaptre 2!

Love Hina: Showdown  
  
Chapter Two!  
  
By Lord LeChuck the Wonder Writter  
  
A fanfiction  
  
Disclaimer: This still belongs to someone else.  
  
Note: This diverges, at some point in the anime. I haven't seen it in a while, so I'm not sure where. But you'll know it when you see it. Oh, it's also kind of a far-flung future thing, but I saw Kill Bill a while back, and kind of thought it was cool. So expect something like that, maybe.  
  
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The sun rose upon the shores of Japan as it always did, spreading bright rays of light across the beaches, through the gleaming stone and crystal spires of the largest and most important city of the world.  
  
The ravages of the War of Four Harridans still marked the world, though their impact was remarkably lessened through the benign blessings of the Hand of the Emperor.  
  
There was a bustling in the city, though subdued from what it had been centuries before.  
  
***  
  
"Grandpa, Grandpa!" the child insisted, tugging at his elder's sleeve. "Tell me a story about the War?"  
  
"Ah, the War," the old man reminisced, turning his sorrow-filled eyes to the brown-haired child before him. He managed a weak smile, blossoming into true joy after a few moments. "The War changed all the world as we knew it, but it is history ... where would we be without it?"  
  
"Underneath the devilish yoke of feminista authority?" the child hazarded.  
  
"Sounds about right."  
  
***  
  
This is the future that Keitaro dreams of in his bed. He is covered with a blanket, thick enough to keep out the winter cold, though it is the height of summer. See how he turns, uncomfortably in his sleep, his body aching from the punishment he has withstood. See how he grimaces at the physical sensation. See how tears come to his eyes, even in sleep.  
  
Know that his tears are for no physical pain.  
  
Look deeper, through the shallow future of his distant dream, and study the workings of his psyche.  
  
***  
  
First and foremost, he needed justification. His mind was a ponderous machine of war, but once moved into position, quickly fired off multiple rounds of ammunition, spreading destruction against all who opposed him.  
  
But he needed the proper motivation to manage the mental re-alignment he was searching for.  
  
So.  
  
The girls hurt him. Well, that could be annoying.  
  
What really bothered him though, was that the girls were merciless and uncaring about his feelings. They didn't treat him with respect!  
  
Wait. This needs to be investigated. Why would he resent that?  
  
Ah. He felt betrayed, because behind their cute exteriors, they were all truly ... meanie-heads. Nasty nasty nasty no-good people. And it wasn't right that people so hot should be such stuck-up and cruel harbingers of destruction bent against his libido!  
  
Er.  
  
His lifestyle!  
  
Good enough.  
  
But this also stood to reason that everyone cute was evil.  
  
No, that's not right. Shinobu was kind of cute, and she wasn't evil.  
  
Anyone who he found attractive was evil?  
  
Haruka wasn't really attractive, at least, to him. She was his aunt, after all. So that made sense. Shinobu was cute, but not attractive.  
  
That must be it.  
  
Therefore, to get around the situation (once his revenge was appropriately doled out), he would obviously need to go after someone who was unattractive.  
  
But all the girls were, after a while.  
  
Hmm.  
  
***  
  
"Damn," Keitaro swore, sitting up and peering about his room, suddenly wide awake. "Guess I'm gonna have to be gay."  
  
There was a long, uncomfortable silence between him and his empty room.  
  
"I think I can handle this," he concluded before going back to sleep.  
  
***  
  
Morning came, as per usual.  
  
The sun rose upon the shores of Japan as it always did, spreading bright rays of light across the beaches, through the gleaming cement and glass spires of one of the largest and most important cities of the world.  
  
Keitaro lay in his room, staring at the ceiling. "Haitani, or Shirai?" he mused. "Moving towards Seta would make Haruka-basan angry. Then she might _mean_ it when she beat me, and that would put her on the 'vengeance' list. That wouldn't be good."  
  
He turned over in his bed, frowning.  
  
"This being gay stuff is harder than I thought."  
  
His door opened at that point, and Mutsumi walked in, smiling at him brightly. "Good morning, Kei-kun!" she chirped. "Are you feeling better?"  
  
"I might be," Keitaro said slowly, sitting up, and peering at Mutsumi thoughtfully. "Hmm. You know, you're pretty cute, Otohime-chan."  
  
"Why, thank you, Kei-kun," Mutsumi said with a blush. "What brought that about?"  
  
"Just thinking that with you around, maybe I wouldn't have to be gay."  
  
There was a sound from upstairs, not entirely unlike that of Naru's jaw dropping to the floor and lying there.  
  
Keitaro ignored it.  
  
"Anyway, time to study."  
  
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AN: Hmm. Gotta work Mitsune into this somehow. 


	3. LH:SCTOMGWTHBBQLOLROTFLMBO

Love Hina: Showdown  
  
Chapter Two!  
  
By Lord LeChuck the Wonder Writter  
  
A fanfiction  
  
Disclaimer: This still belongs to someone else.  
  
Note: This diverges, at some point in the anime. I haven't seen it in a while, so I'm not sure where. But you'll know it when you see it. Oh, it's also kind of a far-flung future thing, but I saw Kill Bill a while back, and kind of thought it was cool. So expect something like that, maybe.  
  
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The long-haired swordswoman sighed, and hung her head. "And what am I?" she asked bitterly, eyes closed, tears forming in them anyway. "A fraction of a shattered dream, where all truth is lost upon the moment of wakening?"  
  
The Shining One stepped towards her, and raised a hand to soothe, and brush away her tears. "Not so, for my will is absolute. I will awaken, and with my powers, cause this to become the reality we truly reside in," he assured her in his booming voice, his very presence setting the universe about him right and causing the fabric of reality to realign itself. "My power is insurmountable in this venue."  
  
A buzzing sound rent the moment asunder, leaving her alone on the wasteland, the Shining Ones presence banished like a dream.  
  
"If only your attention were the same," she lamented for the moment before she ceased to exist.  
  
***  
  
Keitaro stared blearily at the alarm clock before him, blinking away the exhaustion that plagued him like a horrible malady, preying on the weak and spread by rats. "Wait," he murmured. "That's not me. Someone's been tampering with my dreams."  
  
***  
  
Morning found Keitaro at the table before anyone else. Shinobu served him silently, aware that something in his demeanor was more vicious ... more ... withdrawn. She delicately placed his dishes before him, then silently slid away, observing him.  
  
His eyes were unfocused, but shining brightly, as though a fervent energy burned within him, yearning for release, unable to be expressed. He chewed with mechanical precision, although it was only an act, and he were just going through the motions. There was no desire to taste the western omelet she had made, only a desire to fuel his body, though a certain bent of his demeanor suggested that he didn't know why ... why he needed to continue living. It was as though he were simply tired of it, and doing it only by rote. Because it was expected and required of him, though his life was devoid of meaning.  
  
As though he were a mindless automaton, a golem of flesh, a puppet of a student-wanna-be, a mere shadow of the man he once was! Or even--  
  
"Oi, Shinobu," Haruka called. "You're getting that glazed look in your eyes again."  
  
"I wasn't going to dress up in torn stockings with black leather and too much mascara!" Shinobu blurted out in surprise, realizing that she was belaboring the point in her mind. Keitaro had already vanished, though a surprised corner of her mind wondered how she was so distracted she couldn't see him do the dishes. Another calculated the costs of dark makeup and clothing.  
  
"You okay?" Haruka asked, frowning around her cigarette. "You look a little pale."  
  
"It's the sun," Shinobu said reflexively.  
  
The two women stared at each other for a long moment.  
  
Shinobu considered asking Haruka for a cigarette, but decided her already delicate fantasy would be broken by the older woman's common sense, and declined at the last moment. "I should get ready for school," she decided instead.  
  
***  
  
Mutsumi watched speculatively, as Suu prowled the room. The animalistic little girl was crawling around on all fours, a large hammer held by the handle in her mouth, studying every insignificant detail of the room intently, growling, and then moving on.  
  
"What are you doing?" she finally asked the smaller girl.  
  
"Wookim fww smfwng tww bwk!" Suu replied nonchalantly scaling a wall, and scurrying across the ceiling.   
  
"I see," Mutsumi said after a moment.  
  
The girl paused at something she deemed likely, teetering by the fingertips of one hand, and incredulously unlikely toeholds. Nodding decisively, she pulled back her hammer, and lined it up with whatever it was she was looking at.  
  
"And what's this?" Mutsumi asked, peering upwards.  
  
"Well," Suu explained eloquently, as she began to slam her hammer repeatedly into the obstruction, "Thi*WHAM*pie*WHAM!the f*WHAMWHAMWHAM!*Wa*WHAM!*o brea*WHAM!*ru ou*WHAM!*om cont*WHAM!* of t*WHAM!*uthor."  
  
"If that's what it was, you most certainly broke it," Mutsumi assured Suu, who studied the ruined remains before her.  
  
"Yep."  
  
***  
  
The sundering of the thin layer between her and her own control freed Naru of the demonic possession that had claimed her, returning her to normal.  
  
"Did something happen?" she asked dizzily.  
  
"Everything seems the same to me," Mitsune hazarded.  
  
***  
  
The wind whispered through the trees below the rooftop, as the two combatants stared at one another! "It is time," Keitaro said solemnly!  
  
"Indeed," Motoko agreed calmly! One hand went to her Katana, but she didn't draw it!  
  
The clear sky seemed to almost have a quiet and subdued life of its own, distant and placid birds coasting idly on a gentle breeze! It was as though the moment was perfect and calm, to make such an event like a Duel even more dramatic and totally wildly crazy and full of action! Or maybe a peaceful resolution!  
  
The two strode forward towards one another a short distance, and bowed! Calmly!  
  
Then, the battle began! Motoko lead in with a strike with her Katana, which was really fast, and Keitaro couldn't counter! SO HE DIDN'T! HE TOOK THE BLOW TO HIS ARM, AND WAS SENT REELING BY THE HIT! HE SKIDDED BACKWARDS ACROSS THE ROOFTOP, HIS WOUND ALREADY HEALING SLOWLY, BECAUSE IT WAS ONLY A SCRATCH, AND THEREFORE, NOT VERY CRITICAL! HE NARROWED HIS EYES, AND EYED MOTOKO AS SHE READIED ANOTHER ATTACK!  
  
AND THEN HE JUMPED TO ONE SIDE AND ROLLED OFF THE ROOF AND IT WAS TOTALLY COOL!  
  
HIS BODY TUMBLED ACROSS THE ROOFTILES, BOUNCING HITHER AND YON, ROLLING ABOUT LIKE A BODY-SIZED AND BODY-SHAPED BALL!  
  
(AN: Getting tired of holding down shift -- the rest of this scene's gonna be action impaired.)  
  
Motoko looked down the roof as Keitaro rolled down it, bruised, broken, maimed, and barely touched by her Katana or skills.  
  
Tears came to her eyes.  
  
"How cruel," she whispered, before she ran off crying, her Katana held in one hand when she did so.  
  
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Revenge is a dish best served on rye. Toasted rye is best. Cold revenge is like spam; it's greasy and sits in your stomach. But good rye, man, it just soaks that extra right up and gives you that full 'n' content feeling. 


	4. tHE FOERTH CHAPTREW!

Love Hina: Showdown  
  
Chapter IV (4)  
  
By Lord LeChuck the Wonder Writter  
  
A fanfiction  
  
Disclaimer: I think that guy who did Seven Samurai drew it originally, so its his. Or whoevers.  
  
Note: Read the other chapters for reference. After that, it's good to read Sun Tsu's Art of War, 'cause it makes ya think. It'll also help to have a copy of the Encyclopedia Britannica on hand, because those things are just plain useful.  
  
Note the Second: I haven't written in a while, as I was briefly able to hold down a job and afford medication. But I got laid off and ran out of money for my anti-psychotics, so we're BACK IN BUSINESS, BABY!  
  
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Lt. Commander Maehara Shinobu, second division, Tokyo Time Police stared over the city-scape below from her 38th floor penthouse office.  
  
It was days like this that made her think of why she had joined the force. About the boy who had traveled so far into the future that he could never come back ... nor did he want to.  
  
About....  
  
"This coffee's cold," she observed, frowning at the teacup in her hands.  
  
#################################3  
  
Flashback  
  
########################3#########  
  
Keitaro woke up.  
  
The action of waking up is a complex one.  
  
It is accompanied, though you do not remember this, by a feeling of absolute serenity.  
  
Of true calmness.  
  
Or perfected self and understanding of ones place within the universe.  
  
For most people, this action takes several lifetimes, which are all compressed and encapsulated into an instant eternity of one-ness.  
  
We do not remember this time, which we use to commune with the very essences of reality around us.  
  
But we have it.  
  
It exists to keep us from waking up screaming.  
  
And it works for that.  
  
Usually, anyway.  
  
"Aww, CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!" yelled Keitaro as he rocketed skyward. "How the hell did this happen?"  
  
Of course, we cannot know if he truly said this, as wind velocity did horrible things to acoustic integrity. But we can imagine.  
  
And while we imagine, we can understand that Keitaro has grasped -- in a blind panic -- that moment of perfection again, and continues his participation in the Onesong, blending into reality so completely that no complaint could be uttered against his role in this story. After all, he's part of everything else too, right?  
  
Suu shaded her eyes with one hand and gazed upwards, squinting. "Yeah, that looks about sufficient to launch a Valkyrie," she finally decided.  
  
"Don't you need to build one, first?" Sarah challenged, eyeing Suu doubtfully.  
  
"If you're asking if I could build one, I'm certain I could," Suu replied coolly. "But I don't see how it looks remotely like a turtle, so why bother? It's not aesthetically pleasing."  
  
Sarah frowned, crossing her arms over her chest. "Dang. How can I convince you to build this, and not an actual mecha?"  
  
Suu smiled vaguely. "We all have our vices."  
  
"Like what?" Sarah asked, frowning.  
  
"Go banana!" Suu cheered, jumping into the air and then capering about on all fours like a wild animal.  
  
"...right," Sarah managed after a moment. "What do you suppose Keitaro thinks of when he's up there out of earshot, anyway?"  
  
"Nothing important, I'm sure," Suu said dismissively, turning her attention to the steam catapult that was optimally designed to launch multi-ton aircraft, which currently replaced Keitaro's bed.  
  
Contemplation.  
  
Understanding.  
  
True and complete one-ness with all.  
  
Keitaro felt no emotions, and all emotions.  
  
Knew nothing, and understood everything.  
  
"Ah," he was distantly aware he would think, were he not merged with all of creation for that moment. "Atmospheric re-entry is really neat."  
  
And then there was a pause as all of reality considered this, and then agreed, "yes. yes that is very neat. the lovely flare of oxygen particles that have ignited from friction around your body forms such an interesting shape. and it is us, as well."  
  
"Ah," Keitaro would have thought. "Hey, I wonder if I can experience being Mutsumi's panties, since I'm all of reality right now."  
  
"hmm," reality pondered. "we are. a bit snug. sheer, too. quite sexy. reality is sexy."  
  
"Yes we are," Keitaro would have agreed, somewhat distracted by his body returning to earth, due to impact shortly.  
  
"slides across her skin quite nicely when she moves," reality opined. "the watermelon pattern is kind of cute, too."  
  
"Hmm," Keitaro would have thought. "Well, this is nice, but I've got to get back to being unaware, or else I won't play my roll correctly."  
  
"yes. soft. smooth. quite nice," reality mused.  
  
"...yeah," Keitaro would have ruminated, in a very sigh-like manner, even though it was a rumination and not an utterance. "See you 'round, reality."  
  
"you know, that bra is kind of cute, too. a bit tight, though. about time to switch to a larger size, i think," reality noted.  
  
"...say," Keitaro would have thought, then, looking back at reality from his plunge to the ground (metaphorically speaking, of course (though his impact with the ground was to be quite literal, understand)), "Would you happen to know her three sizes?"  
  
"i am her three sizes," reality didn't really reply, as it was Keitaro, and thus he was already aware.  
  
"Sweet," Keitaro said aloud, returning to himself, and forgetting everything from the moment he was launched airborne. "Wait. What the hell was-- AUUUUUUUUUUUGH!"  
  
The rest of the thought was interspersed with (for some reason) three numbers that a part of Keitaro's mind carefully stored away, and, 'Ow. My. God. I never knew an appendix that was removed could hurt that badly.'  
  
"Back to vengeance," Keitaro croaked.  
  
Crawling into his room in a seething rage, Keitaro maintained his vigilant attitude. Motoko had been dealt with -- denied her ultimate satisfaction!  
  
Now, it was time to deny Naru that same! But what did Naru want?  
  
Keitaro's carefully crafted visage of rage did not alter as he re-entered his bedroom, all evidence of the device Suu had built around him carefully removed (save a stray crate of visibly glowing plutonium), and his bed carefully remade.  
  
"Hmm," he mused, taking the mint from the pillow. "How to make Naru suffer?"  
  
Eyeing the crate of plutonium, and blinking a bit in surprise at it, he broke off his ruminations. "That's not Suu's -- that's mine." Shaking his head, he sealed the lead crate and lobbed it into a closet with the others. "Now. Vengeance."  
  
At that moment, Naru dropped down through the hole in the ceiling, incidentally knocking Keitaro to the ground and landing atop him in a somewhat compromising position, her hands on his chest, her hips over his and her pelvis on his stomach.  
  
"Ack!" she acked.  
  
"Wheeeze," he wheezed.  
  
'But wait,' he thought to himself. 'This is it! The opportunity! What does Naru expect? Me to become weak and apologetic! Instead, I'll be smooth, suave, debonair, and make a clever innuendo!'  
  
"Hey," Keitaro said, catching his breath. "That eager to get down on me?"  
  
'What the hell does debonair mean,' he added mentally.  
  
Naru blinked at this unexpected utterance, and blushed, shaking her head quickly. "No, er, that is, I, uh," she protested somewhat incoherently, much like all of the dialogue in this fic.  
  
(A.N. And HOW!)  
  
Keitaro winked, and managed the willpower to smile hard enough to fire a glint at Naru. "It's okay. I'm here for you, baby," he cooed.  
  
'And "cooed!"', Keitaro's thought pattern objected. 'Where the hell am I coming up with these words?'  
  
"Eep," Naru eeped, putting her fists together, and drawing them up just beneath her nose, covering her mouth in embarrassment as she blushed even more deeply. Her knees drew together, incidentally causing her to slide backwards until she was sitting on Keitaro's lap.  
  
"Oooh," Keitaro exalted, "teddy bear panties, I see. They look quite good on you." He looked up at Naru and winked again. "Think they'd look better on my floor?" he asked lubriciously.   
  
'Waaaaaait a minute. "Exalted"? Are you making this up?' Keitaro's internal monologue complained. 'And what the fuck is "lubriciou..." you know what? Screw it. I quit. I don't get paid enough for this garbage.'  
  
Naru's eyes widened, and her fists quivered, somewhere between 'shocked out of her mind' and 'ready to finally unmake Keitaro so profoundly that no memory of him will remain in the mnesis of all mankind, and even God would say, "Who?" when asked about him'.  
  
Keitaro broke that moment by placing one hand on Naru's exposed thigh, beneath the girl's skirt. "Think you can handle me?" he challenged.  
  
Naru's eyes (and pupils) achieved maximum dilation, and she prepared to unleash the Fist of the Unmaker, the Desolver, Callash, the Devourer Wyrm, and the Enemy against Keitaro -- and then he put his plan into motion.  
  
"No," he said, pulling his hand back and unexpectedly pushing Naru off of him, onto the floor. "You're too young ... have too much focus in your life. I can't corrupt your purity."  
  
Reasserting the fragile balance in Naru's stunned state, he hopped to his feet and sighed theatrically. "You're too innocent, Naru. I'm sorry, my actions were inappropriate. I'll give you your proper distance, now -- and I don't want you to distract yourself with thoughts of ... any kind of relationship between us. You're too perfect the way you are ... me entering your life would change you and tarnish the perfect gem that you are. And, anyway, you have Seta."  
  
Shaking his head sadly, he walked out of the room, pausing at the door. "I think I'll let Mitsune seduce me, just to make sure you don't see me as a viable option. Fare well, Naru," he called before stepping into the hallway.  
  
'Heh,' he thought to himself. 'Perfect.'  
  
'...okay. I take back the whole "Quitting" remark. You. Are. The. MAN.'  
  
'Thank you,' he replied with an internal modesty.  
  
Naru blinked.  
  
And then blinked again. And then raised a slow and hesitant fingertip to her lips, even though Keitaro hadn't made any move to kiss her. "Oh," she sighed. "Oh, wow." She frowned at the little pink hearts floating around her head. "Hmm. I should get my vision checked again." She tapped a finger against her chin.  
  
"But that can wait until after I've convinced Keitaro to seduce me," she decided.  
  
Mitsune stood in the hallway, looking at Keitaro oddly. "Are you ... feeling okay?" she asked cautiously. "That was ... quite an impressive display you pulled off there."  
  
"Thank you," he said modestly. "You up for seducing me?"  
  
Mitsune blinked. "That's forward. I kind of like that. But don't you have a thing for Naru?"  
  
Keitaro pondered this for a moment. "Maybe. How about a three way?" he suggested.  
  
Mitsune gaped at Keitaro. "What are you talking about?" she protested, shaking her head nervously. "I--"  
  
"In!" Naru yelled poking her head out the door and grabbing Mitsune in a hug, incidentally groping the well-endowed woman. "Come on! Let's have some fun!"  
  
"Eh," Keitaro shrugged. "Maybe later. I've got to do some studying."  
  
With that he turned around and walked away, leaving both women to gaze after him.  
  
"Well, if he can resist our combined sexiness and bust sizes, I feel obligated ... even compelled to have my way with him," Mitsune grumped, trying to cross her arms over her chest indignantly, but blocked from doing so by Naru's now rampant groping. "And you calm down! We need clear heads to seduce him!"  
  
Naru pouted, but backed off.  
  
Shinobu turned back around from where she had witnessed the entire exchange, and wordlessly went to consult her portable medical dictionary. "Funny, I didn't think removing an appendix would have THAT kind of effect," she mused, knowing by the fact that her great-grand children hadn't arrived that the Time Stream was evidently unfractured.  
  
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Author's notes: Suffer, mortals, the might of Lord LeChuck the Wonder Writter! 


End file.
